The First Time

Despite all the preparation, all the support, there is no way to be really ready for the first time you receive HD. It's a bit like travelling on a plane for the first time: you know what to expect, you've spoken to others but none of that prepares you for the feeling when the big jet starts hurtling down the runway then tilts toward the sky. At that moment of take off there is one thought - I have no control over this.

No Control

That is the overwhelming feeling at the time of my first HD. I felt like a bag of meat and blood in a seat with a swarm of nurses prepping me. They told me things but my level of anxiety was too high to take things in. It was just a case of go with the flow. And there was flow. The blood.

Blood

My fistula was virgin. A tender little tube of thrilling blood waiting to be taken advantage of. They say the first time is painful. Well it wasn't. The first local anaesthetic was painful. Why are locals so bloody painful? It was more painful because of the stressed state I was in. And then all that stuff about a virgin bleeds came true. The nurses didn't know my veins. No-one did at that stage. The needling was an educated hit and miss. A lot of blood. More than I had ever seen from a cut in my life. Then it settled. Nurses watched me and the machine and checked constantly.

The Session

It was a short session. I can't remember if it was one, two or three hours but I recall that the nurses told me they always kept the first few sessions short so that people get used to HD. A nurse sat beside me the whole time the first time and tried to keep me relaxed.

Have you ever found yourself in a serious, life-threatening situation where you cope by using gallows humour? That's how I got through that first session. I can't remember any conversation just the feeling that I thought this was my life and it was being determined by a thin tube leading out of me and thin tube leading back to me and all that was in between was a box of stuff made by bored factory workers on the other side of the world.

What can I say?

When you start dialysis it's a personal milestone that no-one else can pass for you. No amount of description, preparation or support will make it completely knowable for you. It's a trip we each have to do alone, but in company, if you know what I mean.

Once you pass that milestone you really are on a new and special journey. And I want to talk about that another time.